I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
