Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
