While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
