Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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