I think scott just propositioned me for sex
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
