dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
