don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
