you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
