Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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