70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
