I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
