he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm really busy with my period
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