went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
