and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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