You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
