I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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