Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
