I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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