my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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