Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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