Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
