I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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