Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
