Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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