just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
