there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
