Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
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