Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
