I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
