so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Semen is not good for contacts.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
