were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
