Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
