So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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