i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
