someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
