u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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