Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
