she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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