Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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