i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
