i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
