if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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