the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Text me some of your sweat
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
