next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
