Im at strip club and am horny
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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