17 year olds will be the death of me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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