Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
