I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
either way he was missing a nipple.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
