You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
