Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize