hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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