If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The feeling are messing with the penis
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
