he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
