We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
